i still feel uncomfortable and anxious. i guess it does nothing to compare to my previous job – but i never felt like i wasn’t supposed to speak, and i never felt like i shouldn’t exist. instead at this place I’ve been going to the dark side and gnawing off my fingernails. Haven’t done it to this degree for probably 7 years.


Would she have posted something like this? I’d hope not. How embarrassing.

“Mommy, Mommy guess wat? My underarms pits is sticky & I don’t kno why? & I have hairs I can see it

My Annie is growing up󾍀...Mommy,Mommy guess wat? My underarms pits is sticky & I don't kno why? & I have hairs I can see it󾌳

“Happy Thanksgiving” was blasted to everyone by text message and Facebook status update all day. I didn’t do that this year. During the holidays I think of the big family parties back in Kauai and my friends scattered around the country. And I want to leave a simple answering machine message or say hello. I decided not to call any relatives this year either.

I told myself I didn’t want to be the one people groan about when the phone rings and it’s yet another person from the Mainland wanting to talk.

Certain people didn’t call, and others did. I missed my Grandma’s voice most.

Mom I created a delicious feast from scratch. Pop and i yelled at football on the tv. Both my brothers called. Dad texted me. A friend visiting from out of town called me. Another friend on their way to visit their family left me a voicemail. My boyfriend/ex-fiance/friend and I went to a meeting this morning. And there were two nice cats who let me pet them.

I appreciated the lovely things that happened today, and that’s that.


Thank you god, universe and those ladies in the Nissan Sentra at McKinley Park at 7:15 p.m. on Monday, July 26, 2010 for Binky.

Binky, thank you for all the times you caught mice and birds, and when you played rowdy with feather toy and laser, and for when you would curl up and purr as loud as an engine at 3 a.m.

You’ve seemed so sad since you came back here to live with me. You’re just not your fun, peppy self.

I know you miss your other human. It’s OK you’re hiding in the bedroom, emerging only for food and the occasional evening stroll. (I’ve been pretty much doing the same thing.)

I’m laying on the rug under the dining table and next to the big black-brown bookshelf, Expedit, loosely translated in Ikeaese as “hurry up.” The taut weaving scratches my elbows and backs of my thighs. I glide my finger through a fine layer of dust from where stuff hadn’t been moved in awhile. (Novels, journals, cookbooks, stationery, internet bills, investment statements, business cards.) I start to feel like a seventh-grader who would try to get caught sneaking out at 3 a.m. to go for walks, or a high-schooler whose bedroom was unintentionally dark all the time because the window was next to a staircase and there were snoops and strange characters roaming around, or a 29-year-old that drank too many cups of vodka and melted into the carpet. I am considering keeping everything in piles all over the front room. But that would leave the cat to trip over books, slip on papers, tiptoe under chairs, looking for anything familiar.

this is a post about solutions.
too much time has been wasted, too many emails, too many conversations, too many discussions related to problems. but i know of a solution. Continue Reading »


sometimes my brain does not move fast enough. someone had a box of candy.

i knew this: “they are shaking a box of see’s candy to offer me some.”

and all I could think was: “that is a white container with brown things in it.”

but i know that’s not right and so i say, “what is that?”

and they sigh, and say, “you always act like you don’t know what is going on.”

a nice thing

Feeling grateful for a nice little thing.

This morning I got a text message from a friend who left the country today. I wasn’t able to see them because I was visiting with family about 2 hours away, til late last night. I felt it was pretty cool how my friend thought of me, a quick exchange from the airport before their long flight.

My family members are leaving tomorrow morning. I was so happy to be with them for the day. We went for some sightseeing and then had dinner. Who knows when these folks will be able to visit again… It’s nice to be able to do things like that. But I had to get home because i worked in the morning, and I started the drive home, a bit too late. Also, it would have also been nice to say farewell to my friend in person, but that didn’t happen either. When I got home I was so tired I basically passed out without really getting ready for bed. I woke up with aches and pains in my shoulder and neck, and I slept in too late. I hobbled around and made it to work OK.

That’s all.


never married

I have never been married. someone’s been going around saying I’m divorced. Can’t be divorced if you’ve never been married. Just sayin’.

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